I can't watch pbs sober anymore
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
