Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
