We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
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i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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