you traded sex for a burrito?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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