ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
