We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
