I like to think it a success when the cops are called
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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