Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
