I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
