She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
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I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
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We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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