I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
