i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i want to swaddle you in tequila
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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