6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
