phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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