You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
