Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dicks are not precious.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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