it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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