I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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