awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We talked him into tasing himself.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
