The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
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No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
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DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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