i just had sex bonerless
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
