I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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