my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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