So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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