Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
