i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
