She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
