oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
