Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
