Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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