My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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