I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
