Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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