why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
