I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
