when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
