What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
