My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
