I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Terrible idea I love it
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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