There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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