I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
