made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
