I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
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I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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