I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We are all done wearing pants today
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
