Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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