This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
