M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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