I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
