are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
