All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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