Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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