There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
