i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
